Honey Lemon

Who came up with this concocktion?  Why is it suppose to help my throat feel better?  I have larengitis and that is the worst thing to have when my job is my voice.  I did go to work yesterday and my first phone call the guy was saying.."I can't hear you".  

I am going to try my best to go into work tomorrow but I don't know how long I will last.  The hot tea does feel good but still feels like I have two big tube socks rolled up in the back of my throat.  I also got some Claritin from the pharmacy and it says only take 1 pill in 24 hours so it must be strong stuff.  I hope I get rid of this soon.

I am eating and feeling okay...its just my voice and now I am coughing a little.  I could be worse.  I made some Southwestern Chicken Chili today and it felt good going down my throat.  I have watched NetFlix this afternoon so wasn't talking too much.  Now it is just wait and see how I wake up tomorrow. Kiss my forehead and make me feel bettah!

Sacrafice

One word has stuck in my mind lately... SACRAFICE.   I was refering to Tyler and the ultimate sacrafice that he made for our country and our freedom by defending it.  He sacraficed his life and knew that ahead of time he might end up losing his life. But yet he signed up for EOD/Navy anyway.  He knew that his destiny was not in his hands but in God's hands.  Then I started to think more about God and how much I love and believe in God.  How He gave His only son as SACRAFICE for our sins.  It relates to me like Tyler.  Maureen & JP gave their son to our military to defend our country and it was a sacrafice. 

How many military families are out there this Veterans Day thinking about their loved ones who gave the ultimate sacrafice?  How many current deployed soldiers are missing their families because they are doing a sacrafice for me.  I see the American Flag different now after I read somewhere that the color red on the flag represents the blood lost in battles fighting to defend this country.  I never saw the flag mean so much to me now.  As it waves it is also as if all those lost soldiers are waving at me telling me "thanks for showing us the respect we deserve".  I love the word respect too but today's word is SACRAFICE. lol

This motorcycle was at Vietnam Veteran's Homecoming in May at Charlotte Motorspeed.  It is EOD emblem with TSgt Adam Ginnett name and says "Our Son   Our Hero".  His parents were there sharing in the day and probably thinking of their son's sacrafice.  Again another kid with a future ahead of him who died for our country. 

http://usafeenlistedheritage.org/distinguished/fallen/memorial/?id=3

Sacrafice has also been in my life lately with this job.  I have to sacrafice my own happiness to end up doing my job.  I sacrafice around the house by doing all the chores (mow lawn, garbage, cook, clean, dishes etc...) because Rick is a zombie working his 12 hour shifts for 7 days a week now since May.  That is part of marriage is the give and take and making sacrafices for each other to help out when the other one needs it.  I have made sacrafices that weren't pleasant just to please people but now I have learned that any sacrafice that I will be doing... is going to be worth it.  It might not always be enjoyable, like cleaning the toilet... (LOL) but it is worth it. 

Because it's Sunday and I just was thanking God for all my blessings... I want to thank Him for bringing you to my blog and reading more about me.  I don't know who reads this...but I am praying for you and thanking God you are in my life.
BIG SMILES!!!!

Random complaints about new job

I got a new job that I started on 8/27/12.  It is working for a company that answers calls for Samsung customers.  I do not work for Samsung. I work for 3rd party agency called alorica.

I have been applying to jobs based upon my past CSR experience and what I would be "good" at.  I know this is a good job with half way decent pay. I know I might have to work every weekend and that once Rick stops working his 7days a week/ 12 hour days that we still won't have time to spend together. Only on my weekdays off when he comes home at night. I spent 10+ years working crappy hours at AT&T but the money was worth it and I loved operator services. 

I am venting - I know I will never get as good of a job as adidas and I screwed that up so it is Karma now.  I have to "pay the piper" for my screw up.  I won't have time to go on more interviews even if I did find another job. Thought came in my head if hiring company would allow SKYPE interview so then I could do an interview during my lunch hour. Otherwise calling out is frowned upon and would get fired.

I am really scared of the AT&T atmosphere where everything is highly monitored again. Yes it is a call center and that is what I know, but honestly I don't want this pressure again.  I can feel it already.  My past panic attacks were scary and since they were work related.  I have it in my head that it might happen again with this job.  I know the past is in the past for a reason. I can't judge my present situation based upon a past incident/job.  This is a good opportunity to move forward with my life and get myself situated again with bills being paid and money to start saving for future again.  I have to keep telling myself the positive because I "feel" the negative.

A great friend of mine said, "You would have to live with the consequence of passing up a sure thing, compared to HOPE for something better"  He is very smahht!  I did not get the 911 dispatch position so it is kinda like fate that I did get this job. I wish I had spent more time this summer looking into school and pharmacy tech or something to do with healthcare.  Rick had said, "I thought you would go back to school to learn something new?"  Well I should have been more diligent about checking out schools and how to apply and how much money it would take.

I know I love people but not miserable, mean, bitchy, complain people.  Yes I would be able to help some of them on the other end of the phone.  For 60 calls a day and go home at night with one positive to 59 negative will that make me feel good about my job?  I doubt it.  I know I am already setting myself up for failure. I have to turn my frown upside down and put my big girl panties on.  I already have it in my head that I don't like this based upon the "call center" enviroment and people calling me to complain.  I am a positive person and the more negative that is pushed on me then I already know I will be miserable.  Then why take job? Because I needed to get back to work and get on with my life. 

Sitting here on the first weekend off (Labor Day 3 day) I am already dreading my future holiday's where I will have to work.  I know call centers are open 356 days a year and I am willing to work Thanksgiving and Christmas but since I will not have six months service, I will only get straight pay instead of time & half. OMG I am bitching and moaning already.  I am not usually like this and here I am miserable, upset, mad, depressed and angry with my work situation.  I have other things I am upset & depressed about....but those are for me to work on later.

My benefit package is and I quote, "limited-benefit health plan".  Which states that Starbridge is a sickness & accident plan that covers everyday medical expenses and is NOT a major medical plan to cover major health problems like heart disease or cancer.  Please pray that I don't get sick working for this company. One of the things I told myself when I went in last Monday was to go & listen to their benefit plan.  It sucks! I need to find something better since I have/had health issues in past.

I just wish I could find another job that I love (hell even LIKE) to get up and go to everyday.  I am not happy riding to work in the mornings and I remember an old boss of mine said, that "the day you dread walking through the front door of your work, is the day you need to start looking elsewhere".  I am going to keep looking elsewhere and hopefully I will find something fulfilling to my soul that can still pay my bills and give me a little play/savings money.

Craig Morgan – This Ole Boy

A House vs. A Home

I'm a girl so I like pretty things just as much as the next girl.  But too pretty is not for me.  I think I still have some tomboy in me.  I do remember ex never liked froo-froo bedroom set so we always had a neutral comforter.  As soon as I was on my own, I bought a froo froo girlie flowerly comforter set and it felt so good. 
I do like matching things for somethings. I will never ever have matching towels in my bathroom.  They are all random colors and sizes.  God forbid I ever get a monogrammed towel!  Who needs their initials on the towel they wipe their wet body off with?  I don't have matching plates either.  I standby my Corell plates that are mismatched.  I spent so much money when I was young on Princess House thinking I would need a certain wine glass, water goblet or champagne flutes.  Who the hell uses a water "GOBLET"?  It's called a frickin glass! LOL
My couch is nothing to look at with Brier stains all over it. He wipes his face on edge of couch like a cat. I do love the two recliners on either end.  I also love the fact that the back three cushions come off making it very easy to move the couch.  Worcester-NewBedford- Westport-Storage-PageSt.-Spartanburg-Moore. Wow just typed that and didn't realize that couched has moved seven times. 
I also am not a slave to cleaning or have OCD like my sister Maureen or my friend Coco.  I can live with dirt on the floor just not in clumps.  I can stand seeing socks on the floor sitting next to a laundry basket. I do laundry often enough that they probably will only be on the floor for two days.  Maureen did show me how to organize my closet by color. I do have all my clothes by color in my closet and all my pants are together, dresses and winter jackets.  My pantie drawer is also very neat.  I have the granny panties in one pile, my sexy ones in another pile, and my everyday Warner ones up front. They are not color coded! 
My house is a home I believe because of all the mismatched things and for not being pristine super clean.  Sometimes I am afraid to get a crumb left on the counter at Maureen's.  And being my big sister, she would probably yell at me. LOL (just kidding Moe!)  I like being able to go in a house, kick off my shoes and plop down on a couch knowing I can relax.  I love my sister-in-law Sandy's house for that. Her house is a home. She might be embarrassed at times with piles of clothes, magazines or shoes hanging around.  I like it! It feels like someone lives there. 
Don't get me wrong...I like clean things too.  I look at the pictures of Log Homes in catalogs and wish I lived there.  Yes I would have everyone take their shoes off at the door. LOL but other than that...I would want everyone to feel comfortable in my home.

Heat Stroke & Panic Attacks

Tempertures around my part of South Carolina have been over 100 degrees for a few days. I have tried to keep myself indoors as much as possible but did find myself doing a PGR mission on Sunday, 6/30 for PFC Brad Thomas of Easley.  I find when the temperatures rise, people are different.  Some people are more angry and miserable based upon the uncomfortable temperatures.  Other people, like me, try to keep my cool by drinking plenty of fluids, not overextering myself and monitoring my own health.  I did help my friends Jessica Stokes and Edina Teague move on Friday.  The three of us moved in a UHaul and the bank sign said 101 degrees.  So I guess I did overextert myself but it was to help friends. For the PGR mission I was standing in the shade and they had the air conditioned church open so we could cool off.  Plus I figure this soldier stood in 100+ temperatures defending my freedom, it was the least I could do to pay honor and respect to him.

I remember having heat stroke after walking a March of Dimes walk. I was probably about 11 years old and Mom let me walk it with my friends.  I was in the New Bedford Armory (yes it is haunted) and I had just called her to come pick me up.  I remember being on the payphone and seeing that everyone looked black with shadow white outline.  Next thing I knew I was on a army cot with my feet up in the air and a cool cloth over my forehead.  The army guy was talking to me but I wasn't sure where I was.  I finally figured out that I had fainted.  Mom was there immediately and before I knew it was at home being taken care of by the best nurse in the whole wide world= MOM.  She told me years later that it was a heat stroke since I passed out cold and not just fainted.  My body temperature was too high. 

A few years ago I was at golf range shooting some balls around noontime on a hot summer day here in Spartanburg.  I got the feel I was overheating which caused me to start shallow breathing and then that led to a panic attack.  I am so lucky Rick was there telling me to "calm down" and put my arms up over my head (to open my breathing) and take long slow breathes.  It worked and made my panic attack go away but it scared me.  This was my second panic attack.  The first one was a doozie and didn't even know it was a panic attack.  I had just gotten to AT&T in Fairhaven to work and I wasn't feeling good.  I went to the ladies room to cool my face and try to get some relief.  Looking back now, I did have shortness of breathe but don't remember much other than the flush feeling of faint.  I woke up to hear my cousin Kellie talking to me. She worked at AT&T with me and when someone found me on bathroom floor, they called a manager. The manager then sent for Kellie since they knew we were related.  Kellie went to my Mom's house and got her to meet me at Emergency room where the ambulance was taking me.  I remember the EMT kept trying to get me to open my eyes but I couldn't.  He said he had one brown eye and one blue one and if I opened my eyes I would see them.  I tried..but my eyes wouldn't open and I still couldn't talk.  I got to ER and Mom was there.  I felt her big man hand in mine. Now that is not an insult.  Mom was a large boned woman who wore mens rings, bracelets and size 12 shoes.  Her hands were not a typical female hands. She had man hands but they were my Mom's.  Something so soothing to feel her hand on mine.  I kept saying BC   BC   BC over and over again.  No one knew why I was saying that.   Finally a ER doctor came in and my sister Janet, who was working up on Shultz floor of St. Luke's Hospital, told him I keep saying "BC".  He asked her if I scuba dive.  She said yes.  He said that is the buoyancy compensator that has 1st stage regulator that you breathe from.  I think I must of thought I needed more airflow so was saying BC to get more air.  I know I couldn't breathe. They gave me some Rx and finally felt better. Mom and Janet helped bring me home (I lived across the street from hospital).  Rick came that night to stay with me during the middle of work week. I felt like I went ten rounds with Mike Tyson.  I was so weak and my body was sore all over.  Now they tell me it was a full blown panic attack.  I never had one before and the other other time I started to feel the shortness of breathe with golfing, was the other time.  I am not on any medicine for panic attacks and actually feel fine.
I write this and think back to bad things that happened in my life and see how I was surrounded by people who loved me and helped me get through them.  I need those people around me when I am at my worst.  The question is.... will they be there for me?

Beach memories

"Would you walk to the edge of the ocean, just to fill my jar with sand
just in case I get the notion to let it run through my hand." -Band Perry

I love this song and everytime I hear it reminds me of very special things. I love the ocean and miss being down by the water with my toes in the sand.  I love feeling the sand under my feet and how it feels so squishy.  I love sunwarmed hair and the coolness of the ocean as you dip your toes in for the first time. I miss the salty taste of the ocean in my mouth. I love the smell of coconut suntan lotion or Kyndall's Bath & Body lotion!
I love so many things..... special secret birthday gifts which always made me smile. Great memories at Myrtle Beach

Michael's Schwinn Bike he made me

My brother Michael worked at Yesteryear Cyclery, Inc. in New Bedford.  He helped Kim Camara build and repair bicycles. Well for my 10th birthday in 1976, Michael gave me this one of a kind bike.  It is a special frame and he made up the name himself. (sorry forgot the name)  I loved the Irish kelly green color and loved my banana seat with stick shift on the frame.  I loved that bike.  It sat in my mother's basement up until a year ago when she passed away.  Michael took the bike back to Kim/Yesteryear and they ended up hanging it from the ceiling in the store as a type of museum. I am happy to say my bike is on display!  Lots of memories on that bike.  Love you Michael!

When I sit alone and wonder what life holds for me in my future, I don't know what will happen but I do know that I will be very happy with no regrets.  Life is too short not to be happy.

Memorial Day for Tyler

Wow!!  I actually have folks who read my blog?  That is awesome!  Thanks Anne & M for reading about me and my life.  I hope it makes you smile sometimes. 

I have to take a moment and not be happy, smiling or excited because Memorial Day is this weekend.  I am sad because it takes a special meaning to me since Tyler, my nephew, was killed in Iraq 4-30-09.  While non-military families look at the American Flag as just a flag, it takes a special meaning to me.  I get very emotional when I see the huge flags flying held up by Fire department hook & ladders.  I know he is a special gold star shining down on me from above.  He whispers to me sometimes to "be brave" and his saying of "Tough Times don't Last...Tough People Do".  I feel so much love, honor and respect for anyone who served in the military.  I am so proud to have been brought up in a military family and taught that our freedom we have in this country is based upon patriots who died to defend our freedoms. Tyler is a patriot.
Please look at the American Flag flying this weekend and remember those who gave their lives to defend what that flag means. 
"The bombs bursting in air" - EOD forever...

My fortune today reads...

You will have many friends

  when you need them.

I believe that just might be true today, of all days. 

We will have to wait and see...

"One" derland- Big Milestone Reach

Zac Brown Band - Keep Me In Mind Video

I love this Chris Young Song "You"

KIFFMCSC-Knight of the Inferno Motorcycle Club of South Carolina

I just posted a picture of me wearing my Knights of the Inferno M/C vest.  This means I am officially a club member.  The club is for any Fire, EMS, military personnel. It is also open to certain individuals that are upstanding individuals.  My husband joined the club a year ago after meeting a friend he was going to school with.  I joined the club after obtaining my MC license this past spring.   Now I get to belong as social member and look forward to being full member someday in the future. All I need now is the bike! I also am the club treasurer which means I have to answer for any money added or subtracted to account. 

The last meeting I went to was a mixture of fun and horror.  It was held at a local restaurant and it took over an hour for the waitress to serve us.  The fun is how much these guys make me laugh, especially the club president, Joe.  He has this “Joe-ism’s” as I like to call them that come out of his mouth and are hilarious.  I guess working for years in EMS, police and being in the military you pick up this one liners.

We are looking for new members.  We want more participation when we do have team events.  Hopefully word will get out and our membership will begin to grow. 

so close!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am closer to "One-derland" than I have ever been.  I haven't been this size in over 25 years.  How I have missed it!  I sat here tonight watching Biggest Loser and weird feelings came over me.  I use to sit here and watch it wishing it was me losing the weight and participating in the challenges.  I know I would make an excellent team player.  But I was also hearing the weight these girls are and saying to myself...that was me!!  She is what I use to look like?  How come I couldn't see it as clear as I do now?  How come looking in the mirror all I saw was the same person I always was.  I never saw the fat but yet I saw the fat.  It use to get in my way for a lot of things.  Some of the things I was very aware of,  but others it was more subtle.  I know restaurant booths were an issue.  The hostess would look at me (us) and see oversize people so would want to seat us at a table.  After trying to squeeze into a booth more times than I care to imagine, I came to the conclusion that tables were better.  I like being able to sit in booths again. I could tell on JetBlue when I went home this summer.  I had so much more seat belt left to tighten up and I wasn't worried if I was crushing a skinny person next to me.  Matter of fact, on the flight home I sat near a heavy set man.  I said to him, "It's ok if you touch me".  He laughed and said, "that is a first!"  I realized how it sounded and turned red while trying to explain I wasn't coming on to him.  He understood and then showed me his wedding ring and said it didn't matter anyway...he was married. LOL!!!  I also went on a walk for Obesity last Saturday morning.  It was the morning of the Susan G. Komen Mountains to Midlands.  I missed it last year but my Mom was much more important than the walk.  This year I didn't sign up for a team but was going to go and support my co-workers.  I woke up too late and decided to go help to the Obesity walk in Spartanburg.  I wanted to show my support for this very worthy cause, close to my heart- literally. Plus I had just seen Dr. Ross last Wednesday and after telling him I would be more than happy to speak in front of potential patients about my journey, I wanted to show I was genuine with my offer.  Dr. Ross also called me Doty.  I laughed and he explained that all the other adidas patients he has calls me Doty.  I told him that is okay with me.  I think two more ladies from work are going to have the surgery.  That will make 9 of us.  Our own little support group!
I still sleep with my sleep apnea machine.  I think it is addictive because the sound and cool air puts me to sleep.  I will going without it on the weekend.  Maybe I will feel better when I wake up. 
Things are going great.  I have so much energy and renewed spirit that I feel like I am bursting at the seams all the time.  I love life again and hope I show everyone I care about just how much they mean to me. Y'all know who you are!  Some of you even read this blog!

Update

I am off to see an eye plastic surgeon today for my chalizion.  It is a small cyst that is on my left upper eye lid.  I went to the eye doctor yesterday for an eye exam and found out that I have 20/50 vision and need glasses for things close up.  I can’t read a medicine bottle to save my life.  Now with glasses I can but that means it is another sign I am getting old.  He saw my eye lid and suggested I have it removed for cosmetic reasons.  As soon as he said the word “cosmetic”, I began thinking of mascara, eye liner, and eye makeup that looks funny due to the lid on that eye.  Plus it is full of puss so that can’t be good after all these years.

My weight is still going down and that is a good thing. I currently weighed in this morning at 216 which is 74lbs from the beginning of my weight loss surgery. My body has a way of keeping the weight for a few weeks, get my period, and then I start seeing the scale go down. I still am losing my hair and instead of a thick bun when I pull my hair back, I can tell it is much thinner. Rick pulled a huge “rat” of hair out of the tub. It was disgusting how much hair was causing the water to drain slower. I hope it comes back soon.

I look at a number on the scale and try to think back to the last time I remember seeing that number and it has been over 20 years ago. Then it takes me to place where I was 20 years ago and because I was younger and thinner, it should make me happy to reflect back. But it doesn’t. It makes me mad to think how naïve I was to think that a man could make me feel good or bad. I didn’t know myself or how to be me. It was all in the way he treated me whether or not I felt good enough. Now this man was my first husband and as much as I thought I loved him, I know deep down I shouldn’t have married him. My self-esteem was shot long before meeting him. If you meet me, you think I am a happy-go-lucky girl but deep down I have emotional scars that still tear at my heart. They will always be there and some days, the scars cause me pain, but I have learned how to suppress those feelings. I would rather be known more happy-go-lucky than a mean cold bitch.

After my divorce, it took some time, but I learned to love myself again. I also learned that men are dogs. They really are! They either are hungry or horny so give them a sandwich!! (LOL) But after being with a bad boyfriend, and praying to God to find someone that could love me as much as I love them, I met Rick.

getting use to new body

There are certain things that fat girls can't do, or can't do gracefully.  One of them is cross your legs like Mary Hart does.  I think the last time I tried to cross my legs lady-like, I might of been posing for a school picture in fourth grade.

I just caught myself sitting at my desk with my legs spread wide open for comfort and my old fat girl position.  Then I realized that I don't need to sit like that anymore and tried to cross my legs.  It worked. It feels awkward but I can actually get one leg up and over the other one!  It may not be Mary Hart but they are crossed!

**side note that although I haven't lost any more weight recently, I feel great and have been walking the treadmill during lunch everyday.  As long as I keep myself healthy, I really don't care what the scale says.

Three things you need in a relationship

Here is my take on the three things you need in a relationship.  The first one is trust.  You have to have total trust in the person who has your heart.  That means not just trust that the relationship is strong and can withstand pressure from outside influences, but trust that my heart is totally in love with the person and nothing will break that bond.  Trust also that when things are bad and it seems like there is no way out, that they are the strong one and have your back.  Trust that whatever is shared between the two of you, it is only for you to know so the intimacy is strong. 
The second key component in my eyes is communication.  Communication is both listening and talking.  You should want to share your thoughts and feeling with each other.  You should be able to tell the person you love what you need and when you need it and how you need it so they can fulfill those needs. I am someone who flees during confrontation so the communication to me has to be put in a delicate way so I don't run and hide.  I also love the non-communication that is shared.  A simple touch on the knee when driving down the road.  A hand over mine to say he cares too. Those are the little things that I love to share.
The last is RESPECT and I bolded that one for a reason.  You have to give respect to get respect.  A relationship is doomed without respect.  It ties into the other two things to make a relationship work.  He has to know that I have flaws and I am not perfect but he respects me.  He has to also respect me as a person who has values and morals and does not judge me.  I need someone to respect me as a woman and not treat me like a doormat.  I will treat my man like a king as long as he knows when he dies...the kingdom is all mine!
Oh an I just needed to add this one too....Laughter and smiles.  Every relationship needs laughter & smiles. I would not be able to have a relationship if he didn't make me laugh and smile.  That is what gets me through my days.  I love it when he smiles and laughs because then I smile & laugh right back.
They are pretty much all equal in value but those are the things I think make a relationship work.  Money is not important and putting the toilet seat down is meaningless.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  On the other hand if he is very romantic and mushy when you are dating...don't expect it to continue when you are married! I'm just sayin'

Babies

I would love to have a baby, but it just wasn’t in God’s plan. No doubt we have tried and we just might get pregnant now that I have this weight loss. My fear is being an old lady and getting pregnant. I want to be healthy and strong enough to raise a baby, toddler, pre-teen. There is nothing more in this world that I would want than to hold a baby in my arms and have that unconditional love for them. I know I would be able to love adopted children or babies from an egg donor even without coming from my body. It is all a matter of motherhood. I remember Nancy Griffin got me a little Donald Duck beanie hat when I was pregnant in 1997. Someone else got me a book about what to expect when expecting. I was so happy to have finally gotten pregnant that I told everyone and was so excited. I guess I jumped the gun because I loss the baby 8 weeks later. It was not meant to be and that was a good thing. My boyfriend at the time, was cheating on me and I guess the stress took its toll on my body/baby.


There are several girls here at work that are pregnant or just had a baby. I am very envious of them but am so happy for them too. There are other woman like me, sitting here wondering why them and not me? I guess every month I am reminded that I am not supposed to have children. It hurts.

Poker

I kind of wish I knew how to play poker.  Not for the gambling part of it but just to learn it.  The 3rd Annual Tyler J. Trahan Poker Tournament is in a few weeks. It is always on tv and I try to follow along but it seems like there is math involved and I hate math.

New haircut

before

After

I went and gone done did my hair. (southern speak) I have not cut my hair in a certain style since 2008. I wanted to cut it since I am going back to Massachusetts for a visit and a wedding. Plus I have lost a total of 60 lbs and feel like a new me. I like to think I have been “sexy-fied”

I love hearing the compliments which boost my self-confidence. Rick loves my haircut because I didn’t trim too much off the length. I know I look good because I fit into a size 18- 20, which I haven’t done since my first wedding gown.

I also started a medically supervised gym program through the local hospital. I was the youngest one in the gym the other day. A cute little old man on the machine next to me introduced himself and was being nosey about why I was there. I love old people.

I am on my way to new healthy me.

Dazed and Confused

It seems like the older I get, the worst my memory is getting.  I know I should have more vivid memories of things that happened in the past but for the life of me, I am forgetting quite a bit.  "I don't know Jack" and yes I did lose playing this game a few weeks ago.  It ranges from remembering tv shows, movies, books, character or actor names to songs and historical moments.  I know I should remember when the Berlin Wall fell in the 80's, but I don't remember.  I do remember Ronald Reagan and John Lennon getting shot.  I remember Madonna singing "Lucky Star" and the opening pep squad routing Judy did for spirit week that year.  I can't remember people I went to high school with that are friends on Facebook.
Why can't I remember other things?  It gets so bad sometimes I can't even think of the right words. The word is not in my mind and I have to pause a moment to come up with the right word or an alternate.  People around me must think I am dazed and confused because I know I get this look on my face.  It is frustrating and at the same time scary.  I am taking vitamins and wonder if ginko bilova would help.
My friend Jim was telling me his vivid memory of the last time he saw me.  I have no memory of it and question myself if I was really there.  Rick can spew out lines of movies from the 80's when I have a hard time remembering just the movie, never mind lines said in it.  JOMIII was always good helping my Mom remember character or actors who played in certain shows.  She would call him up (he lived upstairs) and she would call his number to ask him.  I know I am still young at 45 years old, but losing my memory is making me feel old.

I feel spoiled sometimes

I have a good life.  All in all I feel blessed in my life.  I hear stories from friends about the crazy life or hell they are going through and I have to stop and thank God it is not me.  I know He gives us trials and tribulations to get through only to make us stronger.  I guess He knows that I probably wouldn't be able to handle a serious crisis or problem. My instinct is always to flee from conflict or crisis.  I don't have the strength to stand up and fight.  I am sure if my back was pushed into a wall, I would fight.  After typing that sentence the first thought I had was, "what if I am not a big girl anymore..who could physically push me into a wall."  THERAPY...I NEED THERAPY!!
I just remember douche-bag boyfriend abuse and how I was so scared of him that I just lay there like a fool.  If I could change the past the first thing I would do is kick that bastard in the balls and smack him over the head with a baseball bat.  No really!!  I know I don't seem to be that agressive but when your mind plays the abuse over and over again...you build up this fantasy evil world of revenge. 
I thank him though for putting me here in the future where I belong.  A man came along who showed me how it is to love with a whole heart and soul and I married him. If it wasn't for douche-bag, I wouldn't of met Rick.
To all of you going through some difficult times right now, my only advice is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and although you are in the darkess blackness you have ever been in.....God will show you the light.  Just keep looking for it...

Compliments feel funny

I am still shy when someone pays me attention.  I like it...don't get me wrong...but when they compliments start coming, I start turning red and get embarrassed.  It is a feeling that I remember as a little redhaired girl and all the old folks would stop and tell me how cute I was.  Normally I should feel flattered that I am being noticed, but inside I want to go run and eat a hot fudge sundae to calm me down.
This is not rational....
I am trying to break out of this shell and become more extroverted.  Those of you who know me are in shock to learn that I am really an introvert. Once I get to know you, I break out of my shy shell and have fun.  I have to know you first.   My sister Maureen can talk to anyone, anywhere about anything...and she does.  Elevator rides which are normally taboo for talking to one another...she cracks jokes with strangers.  I stand in the corner and try not to move. 
I will have to learn to be more assertive and polite to accept kind words of compliments.  KEEP THEM COMING!! 

A couple bad days

I had a really bad episode yesterday that lasted until today.  I woke up and had bad nausea and bad abdominal pain.  It felt like a bad gas bubble that was blocking me up.  I would have waves of nausea come over me and start to get sick. The thing about gastric bypass is we do not have bile in our stomachs to throw up. Rick was standing near me rubbing my back to help ease my pain.  I called the doctor because it seriously felt like something was stuck in my bowels.  The doctor answered right away and I gave him my symptoms.  He suggested Mylox, Mylanta and a laxative to help ease the pain/nausea. Rick ran to the store to get me some and I was closing my GB handbook when I saw this highlighted.  No raw fruits or vegetables until week 12. 
Well Saturday night I had eaten taco meat with lettuce and tomato on tortilla wrap.  I think the lettuce and tomato was the problem of the gas.  I woke up this morning and still had both nausea and gas pain.  I did have a normal bladder release and that felt good.  I just woke up at 5pm (I was up all night in pain).  Now I feel no nausea or gas pain.  I ate a grilled cheese tortilla and feel better.  Now I have to drink more liquids to prevent dehydration.
I am lucky it has passed.

SKYPE

I was logged into SKYPE and heard it make a signal when my brother Michael came on tonight.  We all SKYPED together (Mike, Sandy, Rick and I) and it felt like we were right there in their computer room. I love SKYPE and the way you can not only hear the conversation but see it too.
I found that they now offer group calls, for an extra fee.  I can't imagine getting all seven O'Malley's on SKYPE and trying to have a conference SKYPE call.  It gets hectic in person trying to outspeak each other.  I guess that is why I am the quiet one! LOL  That plus being the youngest I guess I was taught to respect my elders (dig dig).
But if anyone wants to know our SKYPE name, HMU (hit me up) and I will let you know it. Feeling more and more technologically improved.  Webcam works great on new laptop so I can take it outside and walk around the house.
Love you family!!

June 2nd Dr office visit

When the going gets tough....

My car died yesterday.  I think it looked like some kind of tire rod sticking out and caused wheel to move into back bumper and dislodge.  I called AAA and renewed my membership, because of course my procrastination let it expire.  The tow truck came within 25 minutes.  It was 99 degrees out on bank sign.  I was debating go out in the heat but I got my short term disability check in the mail on Tuesday and wanted to deposit.  Luckily I was near gas station to pull in and wait in A/C for tow truck.  I would have melted in the heat.  I told them I recently had surgery and AAA lady flagged me as high priority.  Now I know the trick for future reference.
The tow truck driver from McGraw Wrecker (nice Irish name) was Scott who was from Manchester, NH!  Cool!!  When you meet a fellow New Englander down here, there is a camaradie between us that only we understand.  Rick looked at tire and thinks he maybe able to weld it up.  Wait and see.
So the dilema today was waking up and realizing that he left for work already....in his truck.  I was suppose to talk to him about taking his motorcycle or dropping him off at Joe McCally's house for a ride.  I only have three hours of sleep and am wide awake after hitting up my friends for a ride to doctor's appointment today. I love my friends.  They are my second family down here.  I would do anything for them, and today they showed they will help me out when I need it.
I even got a FB message from friend who gave me referral for honest used car dealer.  How about them apples!  Sounds like oxymoron...honest used car salesman?

All the other days

Day 26 ⇝ What kind of person attracts you
beautiful eyes, nice smile, bear hugs, intelligent but has street smarts too, great sense of humor, sarcastic, philisophical, has to have chest hair, long wet kisses.

Day 27 ⇝ A problem that you have had
How to lose weight has always been a problem for me but not for long.  I am on my way to using gastric bypass to get healthy and lose the weight that has been a burden to my body for all my life.

Day 28 ⇝ Something that you miss
Ipswich Fried Clams.  I know there is a place in Greenville that I can get them but not sure if they will agree with my new pouch.

Day 29 ⇝ Goals for the next 30 days
Get healthy by going to Zumba more and exercising regularly.

Day 30 ⇝ Your highs and lows of this month
HIGH= my gastric bypass surgery on May 10th but this was also a low for me since I miss my Mom and family and wish they were here to support me.