I am off to see an eye plastic surgeon today for my chalizion. It is a small cyst that is on my left upper eye lid. I went to the eye doctor yesterday for an eye exam and found out that I have 20/50 vision and need glasses for things close up. I can’t read a medicine bottle to save my life. Now with glasses I can but that means it is another sign I am getting old. He saw my eye lid and suggested I have it removed for cosmetic reasons. As soon as he said the word “cosmetic”, I began thinking of mascara, eye liner, and eye makeup that looks funny due to the lid on that eye. Plus it is full of puss so that can’t be good after all these years.
My weight is still going down and that is a good thing. I currently weighed in this morning at 216 which is 74lbs from the beginning of my weight loss surgery. My body has a way of keeping the weight for a few weeks, get my period, and then I start seeing the scale go down. I still am losing my hair and instead of a thick bun when I pull my hair back, I can tell it is much thinner. Rick pulled a huge “rat” of hair out of the tub. It was disgusting how much hair was causing the water to drain slower. I hope it comes back soon.
I look at a number on the scale and try to think back to the last time I remember seeing that number and it has been over 20 years ago. Then it takes me to place where I was 20 years ago and because I was younger and thinner, it should make me happy to reflect back. But it doesn’t. It makes me mad to think how naïve I was to think that a man could make me feel good or bad. I didn’t know myself or how to be me. It was all in the way he treated me whether or not I felt good enough. Now this man was my first husband and as much as I thought I loved him, I know deep down I shouldn’t have married him. My self-esteem was shot long before meeting him. If you meet me, you think I am a happy-go-lucky girl but deep down I have emotional scars that still tear at my heart. They will always be there and some days, the scars cause me pain, but I have learned how to suppress those feelings. I would rather be known more happy-go-lucky than a mean cold bitch.
After my divorce, it took some time, but I learned to love myself again. I also learned that men are dogs. They really are! They either are hungry or horny so give them a sandwich!! (LOL) But after being with a bad boyfriend, and praying to God to find someone that could love me as much as I love them, I met Rick.
