Sad about this Port thing on my shoulder

 First of all, let me say that I never knew anyone with cancer - Thank God. Second of all, I had no idea that they would install this place device called a PORT that the chemo was delivered through. It reminds me of the INSPIRE device used instead of a CPAP for snoring. It is inserted to an artery right below my collarbone on my right shoulder.  

At my last appointment with Dr. Buck, I asked if I could get it removed because it interferes with my hunting. That is the shoulder that I use to stick my rifle butt of gun into. Dr. Buck said yes and I had appointment yesterday with Dr. James, the doctor who installed the port.  He said he really doesn't like to remove them before a year after last chemo treatment. I rang the bell in November. That is smack dab in middle of rut - hunting for deer.  He suggested that I contact Dr. Buck and have my 1 year scan moved earlier so he can possibly have it removed.  It is really not worth it at this point. My 1 year scan is scheduled in January.  I know Dr. Buck even said he doesn't like having it removed for superstitious reasons. 

I was very upset after the appointment yesterday crying and even a bubble snot came out of my nose. LOL Husband yelled at me...BUT AT LEAST YOU ARE HERE!!!  Smack reality into me.  He is right!

That wonderful husband of mine told me this morning that he ordered off Amazon a crossbow that has little draw weight, complete package with arrows, case and the cocking/de-cocking is quiet.  I asked him if it was for me. He said yes.  See- that is why I married that man.  He cares about me and only wants me to be happy. He could tell how upset that I was thinking I was going to go another year of not hunting. ($600 a year for our hunt club dues gone) 

All is well that ends well. Now I just need to practice and be patient while I wait for this port to be removed next year. 

Year gone by -

 It has been a year since I was in hospital last year getting my first chemo for Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma. I saw the test results on MyChart from last scan and shows I am still clear from cancer. 

I just need to confirm it with Dr. Buck. For now, I feel like a different person.  I am feeling different spiritually, physically and emotionally. 

Spiritually I know prayers are what lifted me and cured me. I could feel the lift. I also know that with prayers said from family and friends, that they were heard. I had three saints that I prayed to send prayers directly to my heavenly Father. I know that I received a miracle. 

Physically I am 100% better on that I have more energy now. I still feel old sometimes like after working hard, body needs to stop and relax. I want to do as many things now as I can do. I do not have a bucket list but the only thing I really want to do is live life! Maybe even dream of traveling to Ireland so get my passbook ready! What other dreams should I try to make come true? I have no aspirations or goals.

Emotionally I am still lost. I am not the same and know that there was something in me that is now cured. I know this seems crazy but there was a pre-cancer me and now an after-cancer me. 

Hard to explain that the person who I was in April last year, is not the same person I am today.

Did Chemo change me? How did it affect me. I know that there are post symptoms like chemo hair, lots of curls and memory chemo fog. 

I told Rick that I am scared it will come back again. Rick said, “what if it doesn’t”? That is the positive attitude I need to keep. All the positive vibes, prayers and miracles always lift my life UP. 

Once Dr. Buck clears me at next appointment then I know I am in the clear. I still need my port out for my shooting shoulder. All that is all I need for now. 

As of July 13th - I am now officially NED = No Evidence of Disease.  Phew sigh of relief again. But there is such a heaviness on my shoulders to carry around the "what if's?" I guess I have to learn to put that pessimism away and be more optimistic with living the life I have EVERYDAY.  All I know is for right now...NED wins!!

 here is link to great words that were written by someone else, but it is exactly how I feel 

https://www.holisticpath.life/post/why-happiness-after-remission-doesn-t-always-feel-the-way-you-expect?fbclid=IwdGRzaAS-bvZjbGNrBL5udmV4dG4DYWVtAjExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkDDM1MDY4NTUzMTcyOAABHs0VGOny4wkcjnOuFZFljLfKrCK5u4MXQR1KkzEJgMDP1X6HqCHpfPUJLBel_aem_cvj-BmpUE9IsPIC0mGA33A&sfnsn=mo